Growing Up

Hello again, whoever reads this besides me.  How's it going? Sometimes I feel pretty silly writing down what's on my mind, like I'm in a movie or something. But sadly this is reality, and reality is pretty scary sometimes. It's been 6 months since I graduated High School and I still don't have my license, a car, or a real job. Though this month my sister-in-law so kindly got me onto a 3 week job at the church she's been working at, and I'm hoping I'll be able to stay on. It isn't a very long job, just once a week. Definitely not enough to make a living on, but it's something! It's work experience gained, and it's doing what I love, working with little kids. With this job I was able to finally open up a checking account with my very first real paycheck. Which was very exciting, well at least it was at first. But then I started thinking and thinking about it and all the things I would have to do now. I'm not exaggerating when I say I freaked the eff out. All these things kept running through my mind of how; I'm no longer a child anymore. I may still only be 18 and taking my first baby steps into this great big world, but to me it's a culture shock. For so long I never had to worry about a bank account or getting a car, or my license, or a job. My parents took care of pretty much everything; food, clothes, money, driving. And what they couldn't do my grandfather did for me. So when the excitement of graduation died down, all I was left with was all these thoughts, all these "Well what are you gonna do now's". Like when a team wins the Super Bowl and the quarterback gets asked "Well what are you gonna do now?" and he so proudly says "Go to Disneyland!" or some such nonsense. Well I'm the quarterback and now that the game is over everyone keeps asking me what I'm gonna do now. But instead of the "I'm going to college!" answer everyone wants, I gave them the "I don't really know". It's the truth. Every time I thought I got close to knowing what I wanted to do for the rest of my life, I changed my mind. Forever is a big commitment. It's permanent. Depending on what you say forever to, it can be a binding thing. I'm one of those people that I could never get a tattoo because for a while I might think it looks cool, but then after a while I get tired of it, and I want something new. You know what else is permanent? Growing up. You can never go back, you can only go forward when growing up. You'll never be a baby again, or a toddler just learning how to speak. You'll never have the chance to go back and change things, unless you know you're like a time traveling alien in a blue box or something. Anyway, my point being, for me this growing up thing has definitely taken it's toll on this kid. So much that the funny feeling I kept getting in my stomach, the knots and feeling of nausea, I confused with my feelings for my boyfriend. I convinced myself that there was something wrong between us, so that I could hide the actual truth under an already emotional thing. I know I'm still young and still learning, but it's still a scary thing. You'll probably be reading this and laughing at how silly I sound with my mediocre problems. But I don't care. :P

Stressed, Confused, Worried, and a little Mushy...

So here it is. This diary of sorts. Lately my boyfriend, of a year, and I have been discussing getting married. Now we are both still quite young. Well I mean I am still young, but I've always envisioned myself getting married young and starting a family young. And that's not to say he's old either! He's 20 and I'm 18, and since we've been dating we've always talked about getting married, I mean hell! That's how he and I started talking, joking that we were going to get married. But lately it's become more serious talking about it. Don't get me wrong, I love him so much, I can see us getting married and being happy. In fact I look forward to it. It's just, well, our views on Religion are so different. He's a Jehovah Witness and I'm a Catholic. Although he's not a very good Jehovah Witness, I mean he celebrates Christmas and Thanksgiving with his non-JW father, and even with my family. He doesn't go to Church or really have anything to do with other JW's except on his Mom's side, not including his Mom. But when it comes to talking about how we would raise our kids, he's very adamant that they be raised in his faith. And of course I'm pretty adamant that they be raised in my faith. But the difference being I still go to Church every Sunday and somewhat practice my faith, but he doesn't. Which makes it so confusing as to why he be so dead set on our future children being raised in his faith. Everything else we've been able to compromise on. We won't celebrate their birthdays on the actual day but the day after, Thanksgiving we spend at his Dad's house and the following Sunday my Family has their Thanksgiving Feast (Mainly because my Dad works on Thanksgiving every year), Christmas we spend with his Dad and my family, and when we're married we can have a real Christmas tree every year as long as I make sure it isn't to messy. But the one thing neither of us will budge on is how to raise our kids, Catholic, Jehovah Witness, or nothing. But how do you raise your kids as nothing when, as kids do, they'll ask questions. What do we tell them? Do we come up with an answer that satisfies both of us and answer the child that way? Or do we just answer in our own ways and hope the other one doesn't get upset. What if our children ask me if they can go to church with me? Will he let me take them? What if he decides to go back to his church, and they ask to go with him? Will I let them go with him? What if we never come up with a compromise? Would we honestly be able to say "I do" to each other when we know how the other one stands? Should I even be worrying about this now? I mean we're both still pretty far off from being financially ready to have a life together or even the maturity. We both still live with our parents. I still don't even have a job. Is it even something to worry about right now? Or should I just stop stressing myself out about it until we actually decide to get married? I  can't imagine spending my life with anyone else. I mean we get along so well together. He's my other half, my soul mate. I love him with all my heart, with every inch of my body, being with him, well it's like we've never been apart, like we've always been together. It's been like that ever since he and I started pretending to plan our wedding, before we even knew we liked each other, every time we would talk it was like we were always on the same page. It still feels like that. When our anniversary came up in November every day before it, I would hear the songs we use to listen to in his car when we were first starting to talk, and I would feel like I felt a year ago at that time listening to Muse's new album that he loved so much in his car. Or when he whispered to me and asked if he could kiss me for the first time, and Everybody Talks was playing on the radio. Every time I hear those song it reminds me of how much I hope that there's nobody else out there for me but him. It makes me hope that we'll be able to figure this whole situation out.  That we'll be able to look past our differences and come to some kind of compromise, so that we can honestly and whole heartedly say "I do" to one another at the "altar" some day.