Growing Up

Hello again, whoever reads this besides me.  How's it going? Sometimes I feel pretty silly writing down what's on my mind, like I'm in a movie or something. But sadly this is reality, and reality is pretty scary sometimes. It's been 6 months since I graduated High School and I still don't have my license, a car, or a real job. Though this month my sister-in-law so kindly got me onto a 3 week job at the church she's been working at, and I'm hoping I'll be able to stay on. It isn't a very long job, just once a week. Definitely not enough to make a living on, but it's something! It's work experience gained, and it's doing what I love, working with little kids. With this job I was able to finally open up a checking account with my very first real paycheck. Which was very exciting, well at least it was at first. But then I started thinking and thinking about it and all the things I would have to do now. I'm not exaggerating when I say I freaked the eff out. All these things kept running through my mind of how; I'm no longer a child anymore. I may still only be 18 and taking my first baby steps into this great big world, but to me it's a culture shock. For so long I never had to worry about a bank account or getting a car, or my license, or a job. My parents took care of pretty much everything; food, clothes, money, driving. And what they couldn't do my grandfather did for me. So when the excitement of graduation died down, all I was left with was all these thoughts, all these "Well what are you gonna do now's". Like when a team wins the Super Bowl and the quarterback gets asked "Well what are you gonna do now?" and he so proudly says "Go to Disneyland!" or some such nonsense. Well I'm the quarterback and now that the game is over everyone keeps asking me what I'm gonna do now. But instead of the "I'm going to college!" answer everyone wants, I gave them the "I don't really know". It's the truth. Every time I thought I got close to knowing what I wanted to do for the rest of my life, I changed my mind. Forever is a big commitment. It's permanent. Depending on what you say forever to, it can be a binding thing. I'm one of those people that I could never get a tattoo because for a while I might think it looks cool, but then after a while I get tired of it, and I want something new. You know what else is permanent? Growing up. You can never go back, you can only go forward when growing up. You'll never be a baby again, or a toddler just learning how to speak. You'll never have the chance to go back and change things, unless you know you're like a time traveling alien in a blue box or something. Anyway, my point being, for me this growing up thing has definitely taken it's toll on this kid. So much that the funny feeling I kept getting in my stomach, the knots and feeling of nausea, I confused with my feelings for my boyfriend. I convinced myself that there was something wrong between us, so that I could hide the actual truth under an already emotional thing. I know I'm still young and still learning, but it's still a scary thing. You'll probably be reading this and laughing at how silly I sound with my mediocre problems. But I don't care. :P